Kuma’s Too’s Goblin Cock burger

GOBLIN COCK
Recurring Special Burger at Kuma’s Too for Pride Week, June 24-29

  • Pickles
  • Sport peppers
  • Celery salt
  • Neon green relish
  • Tomatoes and chopped onions pico de gallo
  • Bacon
  • Cheddar cheese
  • 4oz. Vienna beef chardog
  • 10 oz. Beef patty
  • Yellow mustard
  • Pretzel bun
  • NO KETCHUP!!!!
Kuma's Too's Goblin Cock buger

Goblin Cock burger from Kuma’s Too

Goblin Cock logo album

Well, the revelries of Chicago’s 45th Annual Chicago Pride Parade are done and over with until next year, and so is the Goblin Cock burger, Kuma’s Too‘s phallus-shaped monument erected in honor of the colorful celebrations and the Californian doom metal band that goes under the same tongue-in-cheek name. Worry not, though, because the Goblin Cock will be back! Until then, here’s a smattering of words about what I thought of probably one of the best burgers that I’ve ever had!
The Goblin Cock is like the love child of a badass bacon cheddar burger and the Windy City’s favorite Chicago-style “dragged through the garden” chardog; an insane half-patty/half-wiener, almost-all-beef bacon behemoth with tons of meat and a smorgasbord of toppings enough to make you blush. Where the burger begins and the hot dog ends is a challenge to answer, but this feisty-named burger has all the iconic Chicagoan flavors (minus Italian beef) and does a fantastic job of representing the rich, immigrant background of the city, as well as its historical importance of being the meat capital of the U.S for such a long, long time. Sure, hot dogs and burgers are simple foods, but the Goblin Cock is a proof that they can still be served and surprise with their flavor. Vegetables? Check. Meat? Check. Check. Aaaaand Check!
Just the Chicago Red Hot collection of toppings is impressive, and the massive variety of veggies does a wonderful job of balancing the 14oz. of beef, and all the ingredients were delivered in such a way that made them easy to eat, without the usual Chicago dilemma of eating the ingredients separately else they fall apart, or as a whole.  The pickles, the sweet neon green relish made sure that each bite was juicy, and the whole sports peppers burst mid-bite with their pickled, mild spicy kick. The pico de gallo (Spanish for “rooster’s cock’s beak“) with finely chopped white onion and tomatoes really mixed and meshed well with the relish turning it into a sweet, mild salsa gently seasoned with signature celery salt, and really turning into a great alternative to the tried-and-true tomato/red onion/lettuce burger topping combo. Underneath, thick slices of nicely charred bacon lied beneath a pool of soft, melted cheddar cheese with a full, hazelnut-like flavor. The 4oz. Vienna beef chardog frankfurter stretched well across the entire burger and was in every bite, and just overal, the Goblin Cock was this massive collections of all the toppings of all the things that I love. One thing that I definitely missed, though, was the ketchup. I know, I know, I know. Chicago Dogs and ketchup do not mix, and should never mix. I agree! With the pico de gallo salsa on top, the Goblin Cock had all enough of the great tomato flavor, but those of you who have had the pleasure of trying Kuma’s awesome jalapeno ketchup with the side of fries will know exactly what I’m talking about. The ketchup was amazing, and I was definitely glad that my mom wasn’t able to finish her Neurosis burger (she almost did, though!) and fries, because it definitely felt off. Sometimes it’s the little things..
I sat knowing that I would absolutely love it, and left Kuma’s Too absolutely delighted. Although this burger boasts quite the list of things, it is just a lovely combination of two delicious all-American favorite soul foods, and one that just happens to deliver and even escalate things up a notch.
If one of the amazing executive chefs from Kuma’s are reading this, please, PLEASE, make the Goblin Cock a permanent item in your menus. I’ve had the pleasure of trying a vast majority of your burgers, and the Goblin Cock is easily one of the best on my list. It represents all the great flavors of Chicago and is just a great burger to have, and it would be great to be able to enjoy it all the time!

Pairing Suggestions:
The good folks over at Kuma’s Too had a recommended pairing for the burger like they have with all of their specialty burgers, and this time it was Old Scout Smooth Amber 99 Proof Straight Bourbon Whiskey, but unfortunately they had ran out by the time I decided to order one, and instead I decided to try something similarly bold and full of character. Staying true in spirit (pun intended), I requisitioned a bottle of Tyranena Brewing Company Rocky’s Revenge Bourbon Brown American Brown Ale [6.00% ABV], because I was going to have my bourbon, dagnabbit! Rocky’s Revenge was a very lovely brown in which all of the notes surprisingly led to a porter-style beer with really noticeable hints of vanilla bean in the nose, as well as in the lingering aftertaste, followed by caramel, and chocolate. Mouthfeel was smooth and otherwise somewhat neural, with a bit of oak from the barrels in which it is aged, followed by a somewhat heart-warming boozy wave of heat reminiscent of a sip of bourbon which I found surprising given the slightly above average ABV. It was a delicious beer and one that I wouldn’t mind “sampling” again, and I found myself really capable of distinguishing between the various flavors, which is always a nice bonus. When the burger arrived I decided to continue with yet another darker beer, because reasons, and what eventually hit the table was 5 Rabbit Cerveceria 5 Vulture Oaxacan Style Dark Ale/Chile Beer [6.40% ABV], partially because I’m starting to love this brewery, but especially because my gut told me that it would go great with the grilled meats and the sports peppers of the Goblin Cock. Turns out, that the guys from 5 Rabbit Cerveceria share the same gut feeling with me and their recommendation is “any kind of grilled or smoked meats“. So.. hamburgers! 5 Vulture has an almost caramel-like color to it and is brewed with unrefined cane sugar with a hearty dose of roasted ancho chili in the mix. I thought that it would pack quite the capsaicin punch, but instead, 5 Vulture delivered nice, smooth malty flavors without much, if any, heat. It was thin, light, yet definitely full of syrupy caramel and roasted goodness, so eventually it ended up tasting like it looked, and I liked it. I am not sure if it was what I was looking for, but the roasted flavor matched the hazelnut flavor so typical of cheddar cheeses, and seemed to go great with the slightly charred frankfurter, the bacon, and the burger. A good combo!

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