“Out of the steam and the foam and the froth, a man in white with poor eyesight will craft a liquid paradox, and it shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-Cheese Mocha!”‘
– Kevin Hearne, “Hammered”, Iron Druid Chronicles
- Tortilla strips
- Roasted poblano peppers
- Homemade Ranchero salsa
- Applewood smoked bacon
- Shredded Monterey jack cheese
- 10oz. beef patty
- Pretzel bun
It is the “predator of all animals”. It roars and lures its prey with a sweet smelling odor. It is supposedly the name of Jesus’ actual biological father. It’s a sports car. It’s a legendary metal band from TX, US of A, aaaand it’s also a pretty kickass burger from Kuma’s Corner.
One of a handful of Mexican-style burgers topped with tortilla chips and the great flavor of roasted poblano peppers brings out both the sweetness and grilled notes of the fire-kissed peppers. Toppings-wise, this staple of a burger in all Kuma’s Corner burger joints falls between the chile relleno nature of the ABSU burger and perhaps the Plague Bringer burger itself. It also serves as final proof aimed at all the music snobs that no, Pantera did not steal from Exhorder. I mean, it’s in the ingredients, people – besides sharing a culinary genre, both burgers are pretty flippin’ different, so settle down, bury the hatchet and have a burger rather than argue on the Encyclopaedia Metallum forum *shakes fist*.
Okay, back to the good parts. There’s Bacon (!), as per usual, and its savory nature is paired to perfection with the ranchero salsa’s choir of singing green chilis. Just the right amount of salt, the correct hint of zest, and nothing short of delicious for this burger. Add the quintessential guitar-shredded Monterey Jack cheese that’s melted all over the place, and this tortilla-topped Pantera will have you purring like the engine of the eponymous car, and the charred, mild smokiness of the poblano will have hunger eating your dust!
To raise a toast in the name of Pantera’s rollercoastery genre and in the name of “Dimebag” Darrel, you gotta do it with the cocktail dedicated to them but named after the lyrics of Megadeath’s “Sweating Bullets” song of fame!
BLACK TOOTH GRIN
- 1 part Crown Royal Canadian whisky
- 1 part Seagram’s 7 whisky
- splash of Coca Cola
Pour the two kinds of whisky over ice, then pour enough Coca Cola to darken the cocktail.
Simple, brutal, boozy.
You’ll be smashing, bashing and headbanging in no time!
Just request one from the friendly tattooed bartender before you go for your beer.
Speaking of beer? With the Pantera I went experimental and grabbed myself an Off Color Brewing Bare Bear Sahti [7.00%]- a contemporary version of Finland’s quintessential quin-centennial kuurna-filtered liquid sisu, which will motti your taste buds and have them kiitos for your awesome taste in beers. Okay, that’s about all the Finnish I know from drinking beer and listening to Nightwish, so I guess yer off da hook. Sahti is this phenomenal unhopped, yeasty, resiny, tannic and turbid beer which uses, get this, a filtration system from juniper twigs for much of the flavor. It’s like, we all know that beer has this eternal association with abbots, but sahti is this primal, earthy beverage of Finland’s druids which is slowly taking over the market as Christianity’s kvelertak (okay, that’s Norwegian now, gimme a break) is weakening. It’s just so METAL. Off Color Brewing’s spin on this doesn’t use the traditional equipment in it’s brewing process, but it does add juniper berries to the mash AND the kettle. And they also throw a bunch of
oak staves shillelaghs in stainless steel fermenters. I imagine it’s what soaking in a hot spring filled with a blend of Marz Community Brewing and Against the Grain‘s collab Massage a Mystic‘s Wood (golden strong ale macerated with cinnamon and ginseng, fermented in an American white oak bourbon barrel) and Metal (golden strong ale hopped up with Cascade, Simcoe and Colombus hops in stainless steel vessels), then enlivened with saison yeast blessed by Kalevala singing Finnish druids. The saison yeast is important here, making the sahti safe to drink for us non-Finnish mortals below from the lower double digits to a passable, and lucky 7%-er. Still, a 7% saison beer should be just what the witch doctor ordered for most folks out there, and lingering tannic profile and hint of juniper berries pair super well with the poblano’s grilled smokiness, making this a definite HIT.
Coincidentally, I once paired this with the Against the Grain/Marz Co. Brewing Massage a Mystic: Water American Strong Ale [7,40% ABV], which is brewed with some seaweed and a pinch o’ salt for that “…tantalizing umami flavor” on top of all of Pantera’s delicious hints and lingering flavors. Worked quite well.
Now I really want to get a Fire, Water, Earth, Wood, and Water Massage a Mystic, mix them all, and see what happens. Would I become the supreme rules of all elements and conquer the earth and justify the meaning of my given name? Would I chunder all over the place? I just tweeted @AtGBrewery. The rest is anticipation and hoping my hopes don’t get dashed.